Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in gotmydiamonds' LiveJournal:

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Monday, October 26th, 2009
11:48 pm	from a social butterfly into a moth Sorry this is so long...I'm writing it on my Blackberry and the formatting's weird...can't put things behind the cut. Anyway... I signed up for Wicked Womyn months ago...I was excited to go, since it had been forever since I'd been able to attend a women's con (what with pregnancy and new baby and being broke) and because I had convinced Kade to come with me. Our relationship has deepened considerably in the last few months, and I was excited to experience being with her amongst so many awesome women. The week before the conference I started to get apprehensive. It HAD been a long time since I'd been involved with anything like this, and I feel like I'm, in some key ways, a totally different person. So there was that...what place does the women's leather community have in my life now? Also, there's the fact that Kade and I haven't played much at all since our relationship heated up...there's been sex, but little play. And we're not sexual exhibitionists at all...so what would we do, together, at this leather conference? Then she got sick, then I got sick, and realized that I was boarding a plane first thing Monday morning for Florida with my parents. So I couldn't really have huge holes in my chest from the energy pull, and I better get enough sleep and get well... Anyway, Kade and I talked about it and decided that what we really wanted out of the weekend was to spend time together, see cool people and find out what we wanted individually from an event like this. And what I found was really interesting. I used to flit around parties, jazzed up by everyone's energy and happy to just have surface conversations. At some points in the night, though, I would have to play, just so I could ground myself and really connect with someone. And afterwards I would say, "Well done, Candy! That was a successful party! Everyone seemed to have fun and you did too..." and that would be that. I knew I'd feel differently this time, but didn't know how that would reflect itself in my behavior. Turns out I'm more like a moth now than a butterfly...I hover close to those I feel strongly about and connected to, and I don't really have much interest in shooting the shit with tons of people I don't know well. I also felt much more strongly that if I don't want to play, or even feel ambivilent about it, I shouldn't do it. The funny thing was that Kade and I did end up playing the first night. We found a quiet corner and I topped her, taking her further down the pain path than she'd ever been. I felt capable and caring...and when she said afterwards that she really needed to fuck me, I to my own surprise agreed. We had a great time, and both left feeling like we'd seen some nice people and had a much more intense time together than we'd dreamed possible. And we didn't go back. We meant to...we did swing by on Saturday to drop off some mats for takedown scenes, but were feeling wiped out. Everyone had tons of energy and there was a really good vibe there, but I felt outside of it, and it would've taken more energy than I had to get it up. Sunday morning I took advantage of the free Hot House time, which was fabulous and much needed, and then it was decision time...to party or not to party? Ended up staying home with Kade and MC, watching Waiting for Guffman and drinking tea. It felt right. So what's the difference between a butterfly and a moth, for me? That strong pull toward the real, the focus I felt towards what was good for me (instead of getting tossed away by other people's expectations). That feeling that for the first time, I'm letting myself have the biggest say in how I live my life. Not revolution, or evolution (because I'm not judging others against me...that would be weird), just...transformation. Current Mood: contemplative (Comment on this)
Wednesday, October 21st, 2009
5:02 pm	OK, I give up...does anyone know where Wicked Womyn is supposed to be held? I registered ages ago but have heard nothing, and neither has Kade...WTF? Current Mood: confused (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, September 7th, 2009
12:16 pm	Happy Belated, baby! My dearest love jockeye  had a birthday yesterday...I'll always be six months older, though! :) Can't wait to see what this year will bring, although how it will top last year, I can't imagine! :) Current Mood: giddy Current Music: Final Fantasy orchestra (Comment on this)
Sunday, September 6th, 2009
4:29 pm	adventures in poly MC and I are happily back aboard the poly train these days! I've gotten closer to my girlfriend Kade, and MC and Kat's relationship has deepened. Both of them are super quality people, and I'm thrilled to have them in our lives. Kade has spent most of the weekend with me and the kids...MC's outta town playing frisbee at the same tourney as Kat. We got out and about yesterday hiking, and I realized I've been wanted to do things like that for the last eight years, but haven't been able to do it with MC (because of frisbee), and didn't want to try to wrangle the kid(s) by myself. Turns out Kade loves to hike and camp, and now that she's primary partner-less, she has more free time to spend with me - huzzah! She's also moved up closer to us (closer than Whitecenter wouldn't have been hard, honestly). She's really becoming another member of the family, something I NEVER thought I'd want. I've always been fiercely protective of my family and our time together, but I dunno...she just fits, somehow. The kids totally love her, and I have to admit to loving her too, although it's been a long road here, with many bumps. Anyway...I'm happy. :) And totally looking forward to Wicked Womyn...I've decided to do the energy pull this year. Should be a trip... Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: Harry Potter and laundry (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, September 4th, 2009
2:57 pm	catching up Wowza. Well, since I was last posting in this space, a shit-ton has happened, most of which didn't need to be catalouged in a public arena...in fact, I didn't know back then if I needed to share my life, this way, period. But like I said, a lot has happened, and I'm starting to let people back in again after some pretty heavy trauma and drama. I'm not sure who all my friends in this sphere are at this point, but I'm psyched to be amongst you, reading your stories, and sharing my own once again. :) Current Mood: hopeful (11 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, August 25th, 2009
1:32 pm	I'm back! :) So who else is going to Wicked Womyn? Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: NPR (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, January 20th, 2009
5:43 am	today Why today? Inauguration Day. Probably the biggest day in political history in my lifetime. Will spend it with friends, probably crying a lot. Another day with my incredible partner, approaching year 14 at the end of the month. So much growth, so much support, we're so much closer to where we want to be, collectively and individually, than we've ever been. And probably my last journal entry here...just feeling done with catalouging myself in this space, at least for awhile. Will still check up with everyone, though! :) Current Mood: calm (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Monday, January 5th, 2009
9:57 am	back to school The 5-year-old is outta the house, MC is working downtown, and the baby is sleeping...when was the last time I was able to sit down at the computer without my daughter trying to type for me? I can't remember...no wonder my posts have been so few and far between! Anyway, I've recovered from the emotional blood-letting that was New Year's, and am ready to make a fresh start in 2009. I have fairly modest goals this year: get more involved in the political arena, both national and local...grow my business to include home gym design, a move that I'm really excited about...devoting time to my daughter's growth, my son's education, and my husband's passions... And, on a more esoteric note, continue my quest to further world peace on a person-to-person basis. You know, be nice to each other, give each other the benefit of the doubt, forgive when you've been wronged, admit when you've wronged another. I'm going to try to do these things to the best of my ability - I'm still learning, however, that other people's view of me does not define me. I'm still assembling a sense of who I am from the inside out, and so I tend to overreact when I feel someone has the "wrong" opinion of me. I'm working on it, though, with some successes so far. I'd like to ask my friends to consider looking at your part in contributing to peace in our community. There's been a lot of turmoil this past year, with unpleasant results that I doubt anyone is happy with. I'm not saying "Let's all get along," necessarily, but let's try to have an open and honest dialogue with ourselves and each other and not throw stones. A fresh start. Anybody with me? Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: silence! amazing! (13 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 31st, 2008
8:30 am	images from this past year Shibuya Crossing - so many people, tall buildings with plasma screens, straight out of Lost in Translation hearing my daughter's first cries while they were still taking her out of my stomach - that sharp intake of breath I made, knowing she was okay, that I couldn't even feel because I was numbed from my chest down sitting on the end of a phone line, knowing that nothing I said would be heard or would make a difference to the person i cared so much about on the other end countless walks around Greenlake with my mother-in-law, talking about our past, present and future, becoming friends my body, huge and unwieldy, sitting on the sidelines and watching others do martial arts, learning what I could even so feeling so much frustration, hurt, and helplessness around a certain situation that it has fundamentally changed the way I relate to others, and myself, for the better and last night, lying in the living room with my husband after making love, talking about how different we are than the people we were, both when we met and since this long year began Happy 2008, everyone...it's been real. Current Mood: contemplative (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, December 21st, 2008
12:12 pm	state of the union I'm gearing up to do a recap of "Things I've Learned This Year (Which Has Been the Longest, Most Difficult, and Most Amazingly Awesome of my Life)"...but I'm not there yet. I'm getting there, but it's taking a lot of processing (hate that word). I seem to have to do this every year...instead of making New Year's resolutions, I just sort of have to track the progress I've made the past year, evaluate where I am in terms of my grand Life Plan, and figure out where to go from here. It's tough times, but in a week or so, I'll be ready to lay it out, I think...right now I feel like cleaning house. This includes actually cleaning my physical residence, of course, but also my emotional space...letting go of grudges and anything else not serving me. Feels good!!! Current Mood: hopeful Current Music: Sunday football (Comment on this)
9:44 am	ladies? is LRC happening today? Current Mood: curious (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 18th, 2008
10:29 am	winter wonderland okay, i've totally gotten over my schmoopiness now that it's actually snowing...wheeee!! :) impromptu snowball fight while waiting for the bus (which we ended up missing), and now we're waiting for MC to get home so we can drive the car downtown and run around. i'm really excited! all it took to improve my mood was some quality time with MC last night (which ahs been in darn short supply), a good bit of sex, and my early am clients cancelling so i actually got some sleep. it's scary how much sleep deprivation can fuck with your mood! have fun in the snow, or tucked up inside, whichever floats your boat! for me and mine, we'll be out frolicking... Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: the Polysics (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 17th, 2008
11:15 am	it better frickin' snow today... ...if for no other reason that school is closed, and will almost certainly be closed tomorrow and Friday as well. 'cause that's what we parents of babies need - incredibly energetic housebound five-year-olds! especially with the two-week holiday break starting next Monday. okay, rant over! time to have as much fun as humanly possible! man, i need some sleep... Current Mood: cold (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, December 12th, 2008
6:11 pm	Xmas and I I love Xmas. I love the cheesy music, the lights, the giving and the receiving. I love thinking of gifts people might enjoy, even if I don't have a ton of money. I love decorating the tree with my son, remembering doing it with my parents, and looking forward to next year, when my daughter will be old enough to help too. I love the whole idea, the spirit of freely giving love or diamonds, whichever fits your lifestyle and your means. I love being indoors with my family when it's cold and gray outside. I love having the opportunity to let people close to me know how special they are. Merry Xmas, everyone! And for those who don't celebrate it, enjoy the holidays! Current Mood: content Current Music: whatever lame 80's station this is (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, December 4th, 2008
7:28 pm	want to know the Buddhist definition of suffering? clinging to that which changes. Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: teapot whistling (5 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 2nd, 2008
2:53 pm	San Fran Say for arguement's sake that I'm going to take a day trip with a hip non-kinky mom friend who works for Alaska and has free tix. What should I do? Where should I eat? We're poor and I've only been there twice...Haight Ashbury? Union Square? Current Mood: awake Current Music: lame 80's (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, November 26th, 2008
11:09 am	in honor of going blond again... Golly...financially, things are uber-lame right now, but in all other ways I feel like I'm back. Totally back. Like, back for reals. And I'm really excited about it!! Also, I posted this in a group on Facebook I just joined...thought I repost it here as well. And for some reason, LJ isn't letting me make a cut, so feel free to just skip it, but the topic is "I had an abortion." I got pregnant for the second time when my son was barely one year old. I had had a very difficult first pregnancy, with severe health issues, a horrendous birth experience, and had a child who, though wonderful and very loved, had colic and sleep issues. I was sleeping only 45 minutes at a time at night, and had been for over three months. I was exhausted, depressed, and sometimes had suicidal thoughts. When I started feeling queasy one morning, I took a pregnancy test. My first thought when it came back positive was "There's no way." I could barely care for (and barely afford) the child we already had, and I knew in my heart that everything about this timing was wrong. I did a lot of soul searching, talked to my mother (who is Catholic and supported me) and my husband and I weighed all the issues. In the end, I decided to have the abortion. The doctors wanted me to wait another week, since I was only 3 weeks along and they were afraid the bundle of cells would be so tiny they wouldn't be able to make sure the procedure worked. I didn't want to wait, having made the decision, and went ahead with it. I cried...it was so difficult, knowing that I was giving up the chance to have a child. How could I do that, knowing how wonderful my son was? What if, by some freak chance, I couldn't get pregnant again? In the end, though, I knew I was making the best choice not only for myself, but for my family. I called them from the recovery room and said "I'm coming home - I love you guys so much!" By then I was crying tears of joy. I always knew I wanted to have a second child, when the time was right...this August, I gave birth to Serah Renee. She joins her big brother Jaeden, and I have plenty of energy and resources to care for both of them. No one ever wants to have an abortion. It was by far the most difficult decision of my life. But it was my decision, my body, my family, and I will fight for every woman's right to have the life they want and need. Sometimes contraceptives fail (as they did in my case), sometimes women are taken against their will, and sometimes girls are just too young to understand what they're doing (due to faulty education and parents who refuse to discuss safe sex). Keep them safe by opposing government legislation against abortion! Current Mood: good Current Music: The Pink Panther Strikes Again (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, November 23rd, 2008
1:02 am	updating from a Blackberry... So I'm blond again! In defiance of winter and the frumpiness so easy to engage in while a new mom, I've bought some new cute clothes and gone back to blond. I'm happy about it...my hair is super boring when not bleached to hell because I have thick hair, 10+ cowlicks, and can only wear it one way and have it look halfway decent. In other news, I'm continuing my soul searching about relationships, although I can honestly say for maybe the first time that I'm not looking to date anyone right now. Got my hands full with my fabu husband, son, baby, mom friends, other friends, and work...but I'm really happy. Super, amazingly happy, which staggers me when I think about where I was a few months ago. Yea! Current Mood: cheerful (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, November 13th, 2008
8:27 am	relationships How do you define "relationship?" This is a question I've been mulling over, and I'd love to hear others' opinions.  I've found myself in several non-relationship relationships (by my own evolving definition) in my life, and am trying to figure out how to communicate to a potential partner what I need and want.  Anyway, weigh in if you'd like! On that note, come out and rally for marraige equality this Saturday!! Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: Speedy Gonzales in the background (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, November 8th, 2008
11:04 am	clothes Okay, people...I've decided to try to start dressing my age.  I mean that in the best possible way - I've put almost no effort into developing a personal style in my adult life.  My shopping up until this point has been done almost entirely at thrift stores (because I'm cheap, and occasionally downright poor) and my body have changed drastically in the last six years.  Pregnant, not pregnant, huge boobs, petite rack.  This has left me with very few clothes in my closet, and only half of them fit.  I want to look good! I know I'll be losing a bit more weight and the boobs won't stay around after I'm done breastfeeding, but I feel like I can start adding some newness to my wardrobe and feel cute again (even when I'm not wearing leather).  I would describe my style (if I were to exercise it) as comfortable, simple, but polished. So here are my questions: 1. Where does one find fairly inexpensive, good quality, cute clothing around here? 2. I have really long legs and arms, and almost all the pants/jeans/jackets I find are too short.  Are there stores that cater to such things that are also cute? 3. Does anyone know of a good (and inexpensive) tailor? Because I'm so curvy, I have a feeling I could find more clothes if I didn't insist on them fitting perfectly when I first try them on... Thanks, clothes horses! This is a noble cause, ya know... Current Mood: hopeful (4 Comments |Comment on this)